Why do quarrels drag in mothers and sisters? Pori Moni incident revives an old question

Film actress Pori Moni got into an argument with a journalist after going to court on November 5 to surrender in a case. During the altercation, she publicly abused the journalist’s mother in obscene language and also threatened to kill him. The incident has once again brought an old question to the fore.

When a dispute is between two people, why do the women of their families become the target of the insult? Is it merely a habit of common language, or does it reflect long-held ideas in society about women?

From personal quarrels to arguments on social media, sexually suggestive abuse involving mothers and sisters is often used to insult or corner someone. And this kind of language is not used only by men. It is heard from women too.

Analysed from the position of language and women in society, the abuse commonly aimed at mothers and sisters is not limited to the use of obscene words. It is tied to sexuality, power and the tendency to link a family’s honour with its women.

The tendency to mention a person’s women family members in order to insult them is not limited to the Bengali language. Such abuse is found in many languages and cultures around the world.

An international study published in 2024 in the journal Behavior Research Methods found that swear words and socially taboo words in various languages notably feature words centred on sexuality, genitals and sexual identity. Researchers collected different kinds of abuse and socially taboo words from participants in a study conducted on 13 languages across 17 countries.

It found that among the most frequently mentioned words in various languages were words referring to women’s genitals, words used to belittle women’s sexual behaviour, and sex-related abuse. Examples were also found in several languages of sexually suggestive abuse aimed at someone’s mother, or of using birth identity as a means of insult. Abuse centred on male genitals also exists, but it is comparatively less common. In other words, the tendency to use insulting language centred on sexuality and women is not confined to any one society or language.

On the other hand, in many religions and cultures around the world, the mother is given a special place of respect and honour. Bengali culture is no exception. A study published in 2015 in the Journal of Ethnology and Folkloristics analysed the different uses of the word ‘ma’ in Bengali folk culture.

The researchers showed that in Bengali culture the word ‘ma’ is not used only to mean one’s birth mother. Rather, it is used to address other women members of the family. And in some religious beliefs, goddesses are also called ‘ma’, who are believed to protect people from evil forces, famine, poverty, ignorance, snakes and disease. The study also notes that even before 1947, the land of Bengal itself was called ‘ma’.

Other religions also show special reverence for the mother. In Islam, for instance, special importance is given to good behaviour towards parents, and the hardship of the mother in giving birth and raising a child is mentioned separately. In Christianity, Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, is regarded with special reverence, as a symbol of motherhood and purity.

So the question is: in a society that holds the mother in such respect and honour, why is she dragged into sexually suggestive abuse to insult someone? Professor Zobaida Nasreen of the Department of Anthropology at Dhaka University thinks a major reason is the high status given to the mother in society. She said, “In different societies, religions and cultures, the mother has been kept in a place of respect. But when that same mother is judged through ideas of sexuality and chastity, insulting her creates an opportunity to belittle her child as well.”

In her view, the attempt is to drag the mother down from her high position in order to insult the child, because such an attack hurts a person the most. She said society has long nurtured this contradiction, yet no religion treats abusing the mother as a tool of violence or attack. In her view, there has historically been a tendency to judge a woman as good or bad on the basis of her sexuality, a tendency present in Victorian ideas of morality and in even earlier social values. “It is because a woman’s chastity and sexual behaviour are considered the measure of her moral character that attacking a mother’s sexuality is considered deeply dishonourable,” she said. But she said it is difficult to say precisely when such abuse began in the Bengali language.

Professor Tania Haque of the Department of Gender Studies at Dhaka University also thinks that behind abuse aimed at mothers and sisters lies the intent to hurt someone deeply. In her view, mockery and ridicule aimed at women are often taken as normal in society. She said such abuse is used because it causes intense hurt, and people use the language that has long been current in society to hurt others.

So can this kind of abuse be called misogynistic behaviour? Professor Zobaida Nasreen thinks that even when people use such abuse out of habit, it expresses disrespect towards women and a misogynistic attitude. “Some behaviours that have long been current in society are adopted by people as habit. But through that habit, patriarchal thinking and power relations are expressed again and again,” she said. In her view, abuse aimed at mothers and sisters is a tool of gender-based power politics. Professor Tania Haque also thinks that because disrespectful language has been practised in society for so long, people often do not think about its impact. And when the practice of respecting others is not sufficiently established, people keep using the same insulting language.

Another important aspect of abuse that drags in mothers and sisters is that this kind of language is not used only by men. It is also current among women. But why would a woman herself hurl sexually suggestive abuse at another person’s mother? Analysts think patriarchal thinking is not confined to men alone. Women too grow up in the same social system and learn the common language and behaviour from it.

According to Zobaida Nasreen, when a woman abuses another’s mother, she too is using language learned from society. Another attitude may also be at work, she thinks. “From the idea that if men can use such abuse, why can’t women, someone may use the same language,” she added. But in her view, this does not change the patriarchal idea contained in the abuse. Rather, the same kind of language continues to be practised. Professor Tania Haque also said that both women and men use the same insulting words current in society, but it often goes unnoticed that it is women who are being belittled through that language.