Don't Trade Your Child's Safety for a Relative's Feelings: A Psychologist on Setting Boundaries

A close relative may treat your child in ways you do not like. Some insult the child, some shout in front of them, and some allow things you have forbidden that could harm the child. Yet because the person is a close family member, many parents hesitate to object directly.

According to psychologists, while it is important for children to know their relatives, a child's safety and comfort should never be sacrificed to preserve family ties. If a family member's behaviour is harmful, it may be necessary to draw boundaries around the child's contact with them.

Psychologist Bridget Petit recently wrote about how parents can protect children from the effects of troubled family relationships, and how to decide which relatives to stay in contact with and which to keep at a distance.

Her first piece of advice is that disliking a relative's behaviour does not automatically make it dangerous for your child. So first ask yourself exactly what it is that worries you. Without a clear answer, the right decision is hard to reach.

But if the concern involves physical safety, emotional abuse, violence, the risk of drug exposure, or behaviour inappropriate for the child's age, it must be taken seriously. When a child's safety is at risk, protecting the child matters more than the family relationship.

On the other hand, differences of opinion over a child's bedtime, food, screen rules or discipline are common within families. A child watching a bit more television at a relative's home or going to bed later than usual does not always signal long-term harm.

So there is no need for the drastic step of cutting ties in every case. Middle paths can be found depending on the situation — visiting during the day instead of staying overnight, for example, or agreeing on specific rules in advance for the time the relative spends with the child.

Sometimes a family member understands your concern and agrees to follow the rules you set. Having such a person on your side can help — someone who will back your decision in the child's interest even if another relative objects.

But verbal support alone is not enough. Consider whether that person will actually respect the boundaries in practice, notice the child's discomfort, and let you know if a problem arises.

The psychologist also advises paying attention to how the child feels after returning from a relative's home. Does the child happily describe the visit, or report fear, discomfort or humiliation? That difference says a great deal.

If a child says someone frightened them, forced them to do something, or told them to keep an incident secret, listen carefully. Do not blame the child and do not pressure them to talk. If necessary, ensure safety and seek professional help.

At the same time, remember that your child's experience may not mirror your own childhood. A relative whose behaviour was problematic in the past may have changed over time; another's behaviour may be exactly the same. Judge by the present situation and the child's experience, not by old assumptions.

The relationship does not have to look the same with every relative. Regular visits may be fine with one, a parent's presence may be needed with another, and with a third, contact may need to be limited or stopped altogether.

Ultimately, the decision rests with the parent — who the child spends time with, for how long, and in what circumstances. Relatives' opinions can be heard, but responsibility for the child's safety cannot be avoided. Not everyone in the family will be happy with the decision; still, holding reasonable boundaries not only protects the child from present harm, it also teaches them to voice their own discomfort and to recognise healthy relationships.